章节目录 I AM A WOMAN

(88106 www.88106.info)    (，最好的文章网    Icanhearyourobjectionsalready:“MydearStorytellerEffendi,youmightbeabletoimitateanyoneoranything,butneverawoman!”YetIbegtodiffer.True,I’vewanderedfromcitytocity,imitatingeverythingintotheweehoursofthenightatweddings,festivalsandcoffeehousesuntilmyvoicegaveout,andthusitwasnevermylottomarry,butthisdoesn’tmeanI’munacquaintedwithwomenfolk.

    Iknowwomenquitewell;infact,I’veknownfourpersonally,seentheirfacesandspokenwiththem:1.mymother,maysheresternalpeace;2.mybelovedaunt;3.thewifeofmybrother(healwaysbeatme),whosaid“Getout!”ononeofthoserareoccasionswhenIsawher—shewasthefirstwomanIfellinlovewith;and4.aladyIsawsuddenlyatanopenwindowinKonyaduringmytravels.Despiteneverhavingspokenwithher,I’venursedfeelingsoflusttowardherforyearsandstilldo.Perhaps,bynow,she’spassedaway.

    Seeingawoman’sbareface,speakingtoher,andwitnessingherhumanityopensthewaytobothpangsoflustanddeepspiritualpaininusmen,andthusthebestofallalternativesisnottolayeyesonwomen,especiallyprettywomen,withoutfirstbeinglawfullywed,asournoblefaithdictates.Thesoleremedyforcarnaldesiresistoseekoutthefriendshipofbeautifulboys,asatisfactorysurrogateforfemales,andinduetime,this,too,becomesasweethabit.InthecitiesoftheEuropeanFranks,womenroamaboutexposingnotonlytheirfaces,butalsotheirbrightlyshininghair(aftertheirnecks,theirmostattractivefeature),theirarms,theirbeautifulthroats,andeven,ifwhatI’veheardistrue,aportionoftheirgorgeouslegs;asaresult,themenofthosecitieswalkaboutwithgreatdifficulty,embarrassedandinextremepain,because,yousee,theirfrontsidesarealwayserectandthisfactnaturallyleadstotheparalysisoftheirsociety.Undoubtedly,thisiswhyeachdaytheFrankinfidelsurrendersanotherfortresstousOttomans.

    Afterrealizing,whilestillayouth,thatthebestrecipeformyspiritualhappinessandcontentmentwastolivefarfrombeautifulwomen,Igrewincreasinglycuriousaboutthesecreatures.Atthattime,sinceIhadn’tseenanywomenbesidesmymotherandmyaunt,mycuriosityassumedamysticalquality,myheadseemedtotingle,andIknewthatIcouldonlylearnhowwomenfeltifIdidwhattheydid,atewhattheyate,saidwhattheysaid,imitatedtheirbehaviorand,yes,onlyifIworetheirclothes.Therefore,oneFriday,whenmymother,father,olderbrotherandauntwenttomygrandfather’srosegardenonthe

    shoresoftheFahreng,ItoldthemIwasfeelingillandstayedathome.

    “Comealong.Look,you’llentertainusbymimickingthedogs,treesandhorsesinthecountry.What’llyoudohereallalone,anyway?”saidmymother,maysherestinpeace.

    “I’mgoingtoputonyourdressesandbecomeawoman,dearmother,”wasanimpossibleanswer.SoIsaid,“Mystomachhurts.”

    “Don’tbesuchacoward,”saidmyfather.“Comealongandwe’llwrestle.”

    Ishallnowdescribetoyou,mypainterandcalligrapherbrethren,exactlywhatIfeltoncethey’dleftandIdonnedtheunderclothesanddressesbelongingtomynowdearlydepartedmotherandaunt,aswellasthesecretsIlearnedthatdayaboutbeingawoman.Letmefirststateforthrightthatcontrarytowhatwe’veoftenreadinbooksandheardfrompreachers,whenyouareawoman,youdon’tfeelliketheDevil.

    Notatall!WhenIpulledonmymother’srose-embroideredwoolunderclothes,agentlesenseofwell-beingspreadovermeandIfeltassensitiveasshe.Thetouchagainstmybareskinofmyaunt’spistachio-greensilkshirt,whichshecouldneverbringherselftowear,mademefeelanirrepressibleaffectiontowardallchildren,includingmyself.Iwantedtonurseeverybodyandcookforthewholeworld.AfterIunderstoodtosomeextentwhatitwasliketohavebreasts,IstuffedmychestwithwhateverIcouldfind—socksandwashcloths—soImightunderstandwhatreallymademecurious:howitfelttobealarge-breastedwoman.WhenIsawthesehugeprotrusions,yes,Iadmitit,IwasasproudasSatan.Iunderstoodatoncethatmen,merelycatchingsightoftheshadowofmyoverabundantbreasts,wouldchaseafterthemandstrivetotakethemintotheirmouths;Ifeltquitepowerful,butisthatwhatIwanted?Iwasbefuddled:Iwantedbothtobepowerfulandtobetheobjectofpity;Iwantedarich,powerfulandintelligentman,whomIdidn’tknowfromAdam,tofallmadlyinlovewithme;yetIalsofearedsuchaman.Slidingonthebraceletsmadeoftwistedgoldthatmymotherhidatthebottomofhertrousseauchestnexttothesheetsembroideredwithleafydesigns,inlavender-scentedwoolsocks,applyingtherougewithwhichshebrightenedhercheeksonthewaybackfromthepublicbaths,donningmyaunt’severgreencloakandputtingonthethinveilofthesamecoloraftergatheringupmyhair,Istaredatmyselfinthemirrorwiththemother-of-pearlframe,andshuddered.AlthoughIhadn’ttouchedthem,myeyesandeyelasheshadbecomethoseofawoman.Onlymyeyesandcheekswereexposed,butIwasanextraordinarilyattractivewomanandthismademeveryhappy.Mymanliness,whichtooknoteofthisfactbeforeevenIhad,waserect.Naturally,thisupsetme.

    InthehandmirrorIheld,Iwatchedateardropslidefrommylovelyeyeandjustthen,apoempainfullycametomind.I’veneverbeenabletoforgetit,becauseatthatsamemoment,inspiredbytheAlmighty,Isangthatpoemrhythmicallylikeasong,tryingtoforgetmywoes:MyfickleheartlongsfortheWestwhenI’mintheEastandfortheEastwhenI’mintheWest.

    MyotherpartsinsistIbeawomanwhenI’mamanandamanwhenI’mawoman.

    Howdifficultitisbeinghuman,evenworseislivingahuman’slife.

    Ionlywanttoamusemyselffrontsideandbackside,tobeEasternandWesternboth.

    Iwasgoingtosay,“Let’shopeourErzurumibrethrendon’thearthesongissuingfrommyheart,”forthey’llbecross.ButwhyshouldIbeafraid?Perhapstheywon’tbeangryatall.Listen,I’mnotsayingthisforthesakeofgossip,butI’velearnedhowthatfamouspreachertheExaltedNot-Husret-by-a-LongshotEffendi,despitebeingmarried,prefershandsomeboystouswomenjustasyousensitivepaintersdo.I’mjusttellingyouwhatI’veheard.ButIpaynomindtoanyofthisbecauseIfindhimrepulsivebesides,andhe’ssoold.Histeethhavefallenoutandastheyoungboyswhogetclosetohimsay,hismouthstinks,excusetheexpression,likeabear’sass.

    Allrightthen,I’mholdingoffonthehearsaytoreturntotherealissueathand:AssoonasIsawhowbeautifulIwas,Inolongerwantedtowashclothesanddishesandparadeaboutthestreetslikeaslave.Poverty,tears,sorrow,gazingforlornlyatamirrorofdisappointmentandcryingarethelotofsadanduglywomen.Imustfindahusbandwho’llputmeonapedestal,butwhomightthatbe?

    ThatwaswhyIbeganspyingthroughapeepholeonthesonsofpashasandnotables,whommylatefatherhadinvitedtoourhouseundervariouspretexts.Iwantedmypredicamenttoresemblethatofthepetite-mouthedbeautywithtwochildrenwhomalltheminiaturistslove.Perhapsit’dbebestformetodescribetoyoupoorShekure’sstory.Butwaitaminute,I’dpromisedtorecountthefollowingstorytonight:TheLoveStoryToldbyaWomanPromptedbytheDevilIt’squitesimpleactually.ThestorytakesplaceinKemerüstü,oneofthepoorerneighborhoodsofIstanbul.Aprominentinhabitantoftheneighborhood,ChelebiAhmet,secretarytoVas1fPasha,wasamarriedgentlemanwithtwochildrenwhokepttohimself.Oneday,throughanopenwindow,hecatchessightofablack-haired,black-eyed,silver-skinned,tallandthinBosnianbeauty,andissmitten.But,thewomanismarried,hasnointerestwhatsoeverintheChelebi,andisdevotedtoherhandsomehusband.ThehaplessChelebirefusestoconfidehiswoestoanybody,andreducedbylovetoskinandbone,takestowinehe’sboughtfromaGreek,yetultimatelyhecannothidehislovefromtheneighborhood.Atfirst,becausetheneighborsadoresuchlovestoriesandadmireandrespecttheChelebi,theyhonorhislove,makingapassingjokeortwoaboutitandlettinglifetakeitscourse.ButtheChelebi,whocan’tcontrolhisincurableagony,beginstogetdrunkeachnightandsitatthedoorstepofthehousewhereinthesilver-skinnedbeautyliveshappilywithherhusband,cryingforhoursonendlikeachild.Intheendthisalarmstheneighbors.Eachnightasthelovercriesinagony,theyareableneithertobeathimanddrivehimawaynortocomforthim.TheChelebi,assuitedagentleman,learnstocryinwardlywithoutlashingoutorannoyinganybody.Butgradually,hishopelessgriefworksitswayintotheneighborhood,becomingthesorrowandgriefofall;theresidentslosetheirsenseofwell-being,andlikethefountain

    whichflowsmournfullyinthesquare,theChelebihimselfbecameafontofsorrow.Initially,thetalkofmiseryspreadsthroughouttheneighborhood,becominginturntherumorofill-fortuneandlaterthecertaintyofdoom.Somemoveaway,someexperienceaspateofbadluckandsomeareunabletopracticetheircraft,becausethey’velostthewilltowork.Aftertheneighborhoodemptiesout,onedaythelovelornChelebialsomovesawaywithhiswifeandchildren,leavingthesilver-skinnedbeautyandherhusbandallalone.Thismisfortune,ofwhichtheyarethefocus,dousestheflamesoftheirloveandcausesthemtodriftapart.Thoughtheylivetogetherfortherestoftheirlives,they’reneveragainabletobehappy.

    IwasonthevergeofsayinghowmuchIlikedthisstorybecauseitshowedthepitfullsofloveandwomen,whenforHeaven’ssake,I’dforgottenthatI’dlostmycapacitytoreason.SinceI’mnowawoman,I’mgoingtosaysomethingelseentirely.Allrightthen,it’ssomethinglikethis:Oh,howwonderfulloveis!

    Nowthen,whoarethosestrangersburstingthroughthedoor?

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